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ARCHAEOLOGISTS UNCOVER RARE KMART DEPARTMENT STORE
Scientists Say Discovery Gives Insight Into Historical Methods Of Discount Shopping
WEST PLAINS, MO – In what experts are calling an incredibly valuable find, archaeologists
have unearthed what they believe is a discount shopping facility humans once knew as
K-Mart. The discovery came during a recent dinosaur dig in rural Missouri when project leader
Dr. Matthew Willebrandt struck a large object he knew couldn’t be a fossil. “It was a large red
plastic item, very unpleasing to the eye.” says Willebrandt. “I called a few people over and we
managed to pull it from the ground. Lab results aren’t back, but from the rough block-style font,
we’re hypothesizing that it’s a neon-type sign dating back to the early 1990s.” After uncovering
the sign, teams from across the country have rushed to help with the project, finding a wealth
of archaeological treasures, including inexpensive pot and pan sets, a fishing license sales
station, and a primitive form of clothing made by a tailor known as Martha Stewart, who
analysts say may be a man/woman hybrid judging by tags on the clothing. “It’s fascinating to
think humans once dressed like this and accepted such mediocrity when making purchases.”
says site foreman Maria Douglas. “This will change the way people think about stores like
Kohl’s and Old Navy.
Though it’s uncertain whether there are more K-Mart dwellings to uncover, Dr. Willebrandt
doubts it, saying there’s no way such a system would find mainstream acceptance, even
among 1990s civilizations. “We have reason to believe that while people from that era enjoyed
flannel clothing and denim overalls, the Route 66 line that this store offered appears to be a
low-budget attempt at matching the trends from that time. It’s no wonder this store is no longer
around.”
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ARCHAEOLOGISTS UNCOVER RARE KMART DEPARTMENT STORE
Scientists Say Discovery Gives Insight Into Historical Methods Of Discount Shopping
WEST PLAINS, MO – In what experts are calling an incredibly valuable find, archaeologists
have unearthed what they believe is a discount shopping facility humans once knew as
K-Mart. The discovery came during a recent dinosaur dig in rural Missouri when project leader
Dr. Matthew Willebrandt struck a large object he knew couldn’t be a fossil. “It was a large red
plastic item, very unpleasing to the eye.” says Willebrandt. “I called a few people over and we
managed to pull it from the ground. Lab results aren’t back, but from the rough block-style font,
we’re hypothesizing that it’s a neon-type sign dating back to the early 1990s.” After uncovering
the sign, teams from across the country have rushed to help with the project, finding a wealth
of archaeological treasures, including inexpensive pot and pan sets, a fishing license sales
station, and a primitive form of clothing made by a tailor known as Martha Stewart, who
analysts say may be a man/woman hybrid judging by tags on the clothing. “It’s fascinating to
think humans once dressed like this and accepted such mediocrity when making purchases.”
says site foreman Maria Douglas. “This will change the way people think about stores like
Kohl’s and Old Navy.
Though it’s uncertain whether there are more K-Mart dwellings to uncover, Dr. Willebrandt
doubts it, saying there’s no way such a system would find mainstream acceptance, even
among 1990s civilizations. “We have reason to believe that while people from that era enjoyed
flannel clothing and denim overalls, the Route 66 line that this store offered appears to be a
low-budget attempt at matching the trends from that time. It’s no wonder this store is no longer
around.”
Comment on this story here. Story Archive -TheFilesFiles.com
Decent Exposure: The Riverfront Times The Suburban Journals RFT(blog)
97.1FM (audio)
Disclaimer: TheFilesFiles.com is a satire site...the truth is just too boring.
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An artist's rendering
depicts the K-Mart store
that scientists believe to
be a primitive form of
discount shopping.
depicts the K-Mart store
that scientists believe to
be a primitive form of
discount shopping.
A portion of an ad
unearthed and restored
shows the antiquated
clothing archaeoligists
say K-Mart sold.
unearthed and restored
shows the antiquated
clothing archaeoligists
say K-Mart sold.
